September 23, 2010
Some comic and philosophical insights into our relationships with our canine hunting partners
Every upland gamebird hunter or waterfowler almost certainly has had a gun dog that has made them laugh. A good gun dog joke, in fact, can help us better understand and enjoy what our gun dogs do with us and for us (and sometimes to us), whether on a hunt or around the house.
The following is a collection of gun dog humor, some of which may be a little gross (but still funny) and some that might be a little more profound (but still entertaining). As with many kinds of comedy, most people, we're hoping, will see their gun dogs and themselves from a broad perspective that allows for a sense of irony and the ridiculous.
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change a Lightbulb?
(Answers From Various Gun Dog Breeds) 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. German Shorthaired Pointer: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. French Brittany: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Chesapeake: Make me.
5. English Setter: I'll take care of it right after tea.
6. Labrador: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
7. American Brittany: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
8. Wirehaired Pointing Griffon: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.
9. Pointer: It's somewhere past the horizon, right?
10. Any gun dog puppy: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Maybe no one will notice€¦
Gun Dog Letters To God
Dear God: How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God: Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Labrador.
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: Is it true that in heaven dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God: If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the shorthair across the street!
Dear God: Are there mailmen in heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing, again?
The Great Kennel Vs. Living Indoors Debate
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog lives outside in an enclosure called a kennel and sleeps in a specially built wood compartment named, for good reason, the doghouse.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his doghouse can be sold in a lawn sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal in the lawn sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get up on the old furniture but not on the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get upon the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores, he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in your bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident" even if it's true.
Observations by Sages of the Ages
"If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." --Will Rogers
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare, and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." --M. Facklam
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." --Sigmund Freud
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." --Anonymous
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." --Dave Barry
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." --Unknown
"I wonder what goes through a dog's mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." --Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." --Robert Benchley
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3 a can. That's a
lmost $21 in dog money." --Joe Weinstein
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." --Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --Andy Rooney
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! --Anne Tyler
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein
Two For The Road
A hunter sees a sign at a local kennel that reads: "Talking Labrador Retriever For Sale".
Intrigued, he goes in. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the Lab.
"I've had a lot of experience" says the dog. "For 10 years, I've hunted Canada geese, snows and blues, and white fronts in Saskatchewan. Then I flushed pheasants in South Dakota.
"And every year, I have retrieved ducks in Arkansas. I've fetched up thousands of waterfowl and upland gamebirds in my career, even making some trips to Mexico, Alaska, and South America."
The hunter is astonished. So he asks the Lab's owner, "Why would you want to get rid of a great dog like this?"
The owner says, "Because he's a liar. He never did any of those things."
A German shorthair and a golden retriever are walking together when the shorthair suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with an English setter, and I'm jittery as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the golden.
"I can't," says the shorthair. "I'm not allowed on the couch."