Whether you’ve had birds on the brain for a single season or a lifetime fervor for the flush, you’ve learned to justify every purchase and pull inarguable excuses out of nowhere. It’s a real feather in your cap according to your seasonally-stranded spouse. But then there are times when things just make perfect sense. You present your case with sound rationale that needs no second guessing. Sure, you could pay off your credit card, take your family on vacation, or finally finish that kitchen remodel, but you can’t pass on this opportunity to optimize your reprehensible hit rate in the field with a brand-new shotgun. Besides, it’s one of your finest financial affirmations ever. You’re going to buy that new bird hunting shotgun, because you’ve got one of these infallible, fool-proof excuses on the line.

State-of-the-Art Shotshells

Not just any shotshells. No, these modern marvels of bird-killing ballistic technology has only recently been released to the general public—be sure to read the disclaimer and sign the waiver before loading up. There’s no doubt this beak-busting, super premium, specialty coated, ultra-mega-extreme density, scientifically engineered, proprietary, patented payload is sure to bring an upgrade to your wingshooting. You’ll be on the fast track to upland warrior status and resurrect your abysmal averages. The only trouble is you’ve gotta get the new gun to handle these sensational, space-aged, super-charged shotshells ... for safety reasons of course.

A Gun for Every Gauge

You grew up during the golden age of bird hunting, in tow behind your father, grandfather, or perhaps your apron-wearing, rolling-pin-yielding, don’t-take-no-crap mom or cool aunt. But these sturdy, large-statured patriarchs and ahead-of-their-time matriarchs shot fixed, full choked 12-gauge, hand-me-down shoulder-busters that made you think twice about agreeing to your next adolescent hunt. But you couldn’t stay away. You toughened up over the years and survived shooting the hulky heirlooms—less a few missing teeth and a slight, starboard-side asymmetry.

Now it’s in your narrative. Classic pumps, side-by-sides, and stackbarrel scatterguns are staples to your story, but you need a practical upgrade. And at the moment, luckily for you—and in time, your pre-pubescent proteges—gun makers are manufacturing shotguns in a wide range of shoulder-saving sub-gauges. These small-bore shooters are ideal for young guns, smaller-framed hunters, women of the wing, and geriatric gentleman who refuse to hang it up. And by last count, you’ve still got another open slot or two in the gun safe anyway. So go ahead and grab that sweet new 16 or tight-shooting 28, it just may be the remedy you’ve been searching for to clean up that cripple count.

Dress the Part

You’ve amassed a new wardrobe of fresh and fashionable upland apparel, complete with attractive attire and adornments. You’ve outfitted yourself in a stylish, ready-for-combat strap vest, a deluxe, pocket-packed jacket, bomb-proof boots, high-performance pants, high-class headwear, and sleek shooting gloves—the likes of which caught the attention and landed a DM from the nation’s trending fashion magazine. But sadly, your outdated, time-worn shotgun is now totally out of place. There’s only one way to solve this ensemble enigma, and since you can’t return your gear and garments, you’re strained to shop for a new shotgun. Hopefully that modelling contract comes through in the end.

Sights on Success

By now you’ve exhausted each and every excuse for your awful wingshooting hit-to-miss ratio. There’s just no way someone could shoot so poorly ... or so you thought. You’ve laboriously tested and excessively analyzed various choke and load configurations, vigorously reviewed video footage, dipped into your inheritance to incur shooting instruction—even attempted an exorcism to exercise unexplained demons—yet nothing seems to straighten out your somber spray-and-pray shot strings. But wait, there’s one more culprit you haven’t considered. You’ll come to realize that it’s your shotgun. Acquiring a new one is sure to solve your sorrowful, self-condemning shooting syndrome.

Dog Gone It

If you’ve presented the first four arguments and haven’t been awarded approval and full absolution by the better half of your domestic democracy, it’s time to seal the deal. This little secret is sure to empty the room, though please proceed with caution. If you encounter resistance to sourcing a new shotgun—say it with me—you’re going to resort to buying another bird dog. At least you’ll be allowed to lament your forlorn feather-chasing floundering to your new canine counterpart and blame them for all subsequent misses while you take up residence in the domiciliary doghouse.